In Honor Of Curb Returning Tonight: The Curb Your Enthusiasm Corona and 2020 Episodes
Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 11 finally returns tonight. It's been a year and a half since the Season 10 finale. Quite a few things have happened in the world since. We've all been waiting to see how Larry David handles COVID, the lockdowns, the vaccines, the BLM protests, and a whole lot more this season. Last year, I took a couple of stabs at predicting what a Curb Corona and then general 2020 episode would look like. I've attached both below. WARNING: They are both very long. But I would also say they are probably my two favorite things I've ever written and probably the best too. Writing sitcom scripts is maybe my favorite thing to do in the world. I thought about writing another one in honor of the new season, but I felt like I covered most things in these two and didn't want to force it. And to be honest, it's just pretty fucking hard to write a full episode of a television show. Can't wait to see what Larry cooked up for tonight and this season.
In the meantime, enjoy these two before tonight's premiere:
First up from March 18, 2020: The Curb Your Enthusiasm Corona Episode
Background: Los Angeles is in its early stages of the coronavirus spread. It’s not yet the global pandemic it would become. Let’s instead think back to how things were in early/mid March 2020. We’ll also pretend that this is a part of Season 10 currently airing and draw on some of those existing storylines.
INT. LATTE LARRY'S
The TV is on airing the latest news about the spread of the virus. Larry is getting visibly nervous and complaining about how people aren’t taking it seriously enough. He’s afraid of people spreading it at his coffee shop, but he refuses to close down since Mocha Joe hasn’t either. Instead, he just adds a “No Coughing Or Sneezing” sign next to the “No Defecating” one.
Larry notices an Asian customer begin to cough and sneeze. Larry becomes visibly alarmed. The man continues to cough and sneeze. Larry goes over to his table and asks the man to leave. Shocked and appalled, the man accuses Larry of being discriminatory just because he’s Asian and causes a scene.
Customer: “Oh you’re only going to kick me out?! The only Asian in here!”
Larry: “No, it’s not because you’re Asian. It’s because you’re the only one coughing and sneezing!”
Customer: “This is not what the country needs right now! We’re on the verge of a pandemic, and you’re out here trying to point the finger at the Asian community for it! It’s textbook discrimination, you racist pig! I’m going to Mocha Joe’s!”
Larry: “I’m not pointing fingers! No fingers are being pointed! We have a no coughing and sneezing sign, not a “No Asians” sign. You coughed and sneezed!”
The man storms out and other customers are shooting Larry dirty looks. Some begin to leave and head next door. Larry tries to reason with them. “I’m protecting you guys from the sneezes! You should be thanking me!”
CUT TO
INT. JEFF'S HOUSE
Larry is explaining the situation at the coffee shop to Jeff. Not totally caught up with all the Corona panic, Jeff asks Larry to explain it to him. Larry talks about the symptoms and the spread, and how people must self-quarantine for an extended period of time if they have the virus. Jeff is clearly interested in what Larry is saying.
Jeff: “So if you have it, then you HAVE to stay by yourself? With nobody else? For 14 days?”
Larry: “Yup. Only the infected can stay together. Can’t spread it to the healthy.”
Jeff: “Interesting.”
Susie barges in to interrupt the conversation.
Susie: “Are you guys talking about that stupid virus? I hope it specifically targets bald people you miserable fuck.”
Larry: “You know, I actually heard beautiful, kind women are the most at risk to it, so you should be safe.”
The bickering comes to an end, and Susie reminds Larry that he agreed to make a donation and speak at her friend’s fundraising charity event for impoverished children in the Los Angeles area. The event is in a few days. Larry forgot about it and is now hesitant because he doesn’t want to go somewhere with a lot of people. Susie screams at him and says he can’t cancel after already agreeing to do it. Larry debates it but then says, “You know what? I could use some good karma at a time like this. I guess I’ll still do it.”
Susie tells him he needs to wear a special shirt the charity has and gives to all their guest speakers as a thank you for the donation. Her friend gave it to Susie to give to Larry. When she gives it to him, he immediately mocks the unique material it’s made of.
Larry: “THIS is what they’re making me wear? How can they tell me what to wear? Is my donation not enough for these people? Will my check bounce if I don’t wear their stupid little shirt? Unbelievable!”
Susie screams, “JUST WEAR IT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” as she shoos Larry out of the house.
Jeff (under his breath): “I really gotta catch this god damn virus.”
As Larry walks out to his car with the shirt, he begins to sneeze and cough a bit. He thinks it’s odd, but doesn’t dwell on it. He gets in his car, tosses the shirt to the backseat, and drives away.
CUT TO
INT. LARRY'S HOUSE
Larry enters his house as Leon is kissing a girl goodbye. Larry looks disgusted. The girl leaves.
Larry: “What was that all about?”
Leon: “What? Just a little Tuesday matinee.”
Larry: “We have to cut down on house guests at a time like this. I don’t know what type of germs you’re bringing in here.”
Leon: “Oh don’t sweat it, LD. Black people can’t get Corona. I'm good.”
Larry (confused): “What does that mean? Who the hell said that?”
Leon: “You see the news report one black person having it? I haven’t. This shit started in China, not Africa. We safe, LD.”
Larry: “Just please for my piece of mind, tell me there will be no more strangers coming over here.”
Leon: “Alright fine. I swear on my grandmother.”
Larry: “Your grandmother? Isn’t she …. you know … dead?”
Leon: “Yeah, so?”
Larry: “I mean swearing on a dead person …. that doesn’t really mean much to me.”
Leon: “Larry, I’m swearing on her legacy!”
Larry: “Yeah that just doesn’t do much for me. What is she gonna do? Die again? Means nothing.”
Leon (exasperated): “Look Larry, I just won’t have any fucking guests over, alright”
Larry: "Thank you!"
CUT TO
INT. LARRY'S COUNTRY CLUB
Larry, Jeff, Richard Lewis, and Freddy Funkhouser (Vince Vaughn) are having lunch at the club. They’re making some small talk over the Coronavirus scare. Jeff says he’s strictly been eating hand-held food and not washing his hands in hopes of contracting the virus so he can get quarantined from Susie. When the food comes, Jeff licks the ketchup bottle and then rubs Larry’s hands to get some more possible germs before digging in. Larry is disgusted and goes to the bathroom to wash his hands before eating.
After washing his hands, Larry just shakes them off to air dry them and walks out of the bathroom. Outside the door, he runs into another club member named Paul that Larry vaguely knows. They shake hands, and Paul makes a disgusted face.
Larry: “What’s wrong?”
Paul: “Your hands. They’re just wet and disgusting.”
Larry: “That’s better than them being dry.”
Paul: “What? How?”
Larry: “The wetness is proof of the wash! If they were dry, you might think I didn’t wash my hands! You need handwashing proof at a time like this!”
Paul explains to Larry that germs can actually transfer more easily when hands are damp, so Larry should properly dry them going forward. Larry takes this to heart and applauds himself for being able to gather new information and learn from it.
CUT TO
INT. LATTE LARRY’S
Larry goes to check in on his coffee shop and sees that it’s empty, while Mocha Joe’s next door is packed. Word got out about Larry’s “discrimination incident” so people chose to avoid going to Latte Larry’s out of protest. Mocha Joe comes over to boast to Larry about how his business is booming. Larry spins it by saying he’s just looking out for public health.
Larry: “You’re not taking this virus seriously, Mocha Joe! Having everyone come into your gross coffee shop and spread it all over the place. I’m shutting down!”
Mocha Joe: “Good, that’s more business for me! People don’t want to buy coffee from a racist asshole anyway!”
Larry (angry): “He was coughing and sneezing! That’s why he got kicked out! But anyway, people don’t want to get coffee from a place where they’re going to catch a deadly virus either. So I hope that extra money is worth the guilty conscience of killing people!”
Larry storms off. He closes down the shop and puts up a sign that says “Closed To Save Lives”
CUT TO
INT. LARRY’S HOUSE
We cut to a scene in Larry’s house where he’s explaining the situation to Leon. Larry is angry that he was forced to shut down and that it may cost him some business.
Leon: “So did you actually close down for public health?”
Larry: “No I didn’t close down for public health! It was my only choice. I don’t give a shit about any of these people but looking like I do was my only option.”
Leon: “Notice how there’s still no black people who got it.”
The conversation is interrupted when Larry gets a phone call from Jeff. Jeff tells Larry that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus.
Larry: “That’s great news! Isolation from Susie!”
Jeff: “The bad news is that she tested positive as well. We’re quarantined alone in our house together for the next 14 days.”
Larry laughs at Jeff’s misfortune and the entire situation backfiring on him.
CUT TO
INT. CHARITY EVENT
The charity event is going on as scheduled. Nothing in Los Angeles is officially shut down yet, besides Latte Larry’s, so people didn’t see a reason to cancel. Larry gets there and goes to the bathroom first. After washing his hands, Larry is seen to be thoroughly drying his hands for awhile.
As soon as he walks out of the bathroom, he runs into Susie’s friend, Lucy. They shake hands and Lucy makes a bit of a concerned face as they’re shaking. This puzzles Larry, but neither of them comment on it. She sees that Larry isn’t wearing the shirt and asks him about it.
Larry: “Oh shoot! I totally forgot. But if we’re being honest, do I really …. need to wear it?”
Lucy sighs and looks agitated.
Larry: “Alright fine, it’s actually in my car still. I’ll go run and grab it.”
Larry gets the shirt and comes back inside to get changed just minutes before his speech. Before he takes the stage, he again begins to sneeze and cough. Before he can worry about it, they call his name to take the stage and give the speech.
Larry takes the podium, but can’t stop sneezing and coughing. He tries to start his speech, but can’t get through it. The crowd looks concerned. The sneezes continue. Larry is befuddled until he looks down at the shirt and realizes he’s having an allergic reaction to the weird material, remembering that he also had the same reaction when Susie gave it to him.
The crowd is all out panicking. People are screaming “He has the virus!” “Larry David has Corona!” “He’s spreading it to all of us!” Larry looks out to the crowd and screams “No! It’s the shirt! It’s an allergic reaction!”
Lucy from before yells out: “He didn’t even wash his hands before! They were dry as sandpaper when I shook them!”
Larry yells, “No! I had just dried them! Damp hands spread germs!” as he continues to sneeze.
People call an ambulance to take him away, as Larry continues to plea that he doesn’t have the virus. “It’s just the shirt! I’ll take it off!” He takes off his shirt and his body has red spots all over it due to the allergic reaction. This freaks out people even more.
Larry sighs and says, “Ah shit” as we see the ambulance arrive.
CUT TO
INT. HOSPITAL
As Larry is getting taken into the Corona testing area, we see him explaining to the nurses that it was just an allergic reaction. “I don’t have the virus! It was the stupid shirt! If anything, I’m gonna catch the virus here from all these people who actually have it!”
The camera pans to the other side of the room where we see the Asian customer (John) from earlier in the episode sitting next to Paul from the country club hand-washing incident. They both look at what’s happening with Larry.
John (surprised and angry): “Larry David?!”
Larry looks over and is shocked to see the two here together.
Paul: “You know him?”
John: “Yeah that racist kicked me out of his coffee shop!”
Paul: “That’s probably where you got the virus! He gave it to me with his damp hands!”
Larry (freaking out): “No! I don’t have it! I have allergies! You were the one sneezing in my coffee shop! And my hands were clean!”
Paul and John shoot Larry disgusted looks as he’s getting taken into another room.
John: “This is your fault. Look what you’ve done!”
Paul: “You did this, Larry David! You spread the coronavirus around Los Angeles!”
Larry enters the other room as he continues to have a classic Larry freak-out. “I didn’t spread it! I don’t have it! It was the shirt!”
The meltdown continues. Cue the music.
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And this one is from July 23, 2020: The Curb Your Enthusiasm 2020 Episode
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Background: This takes place in June 2020, a few months after the previous episode I wrote. A lot of Los Angeles is still shut down, but some things like outdoor dining are beginning to reopen. This is also in the middle of many protests around the LA area. Larry has still not caught COVID.
EXT. LOS ANGELES RESTAURANT
Larry, Jeff, Richard Lewis, and Freddy Funkhouser (Vince Vaughn) are doing outdoor dining at a restaurant in LA. This is one of the only times Larry has left his house since quarantine began. He boasts that it’s been the best few months of his life. “I always knew I didn’t like people, but I never truly realized how little I need them in my life.” Being 73, he’s also been neurotic over the virus and is afraid to catch it.
As mentioned in the last episode, Jeff had already caught the virus.
Jeff: “I just can’t believe I survived it. It was one of the toughest experiences of my life. Every single day was a nightmare.”
Freddy: “I thought you were asymptomatic.”
Jeff: “Oh the virus was nothing. I meant being quarantined with Susie.”
Larry then begins to complain that the toughest part of quarantine is that he hasn’t even seen a woman in four months. He’d love to break his dry sex spell, but he’s too afraid to catch the virus. He says to Jeff, “You people with the antibodies are like a society of the elite! Free to do whatever you want with no fear of catching or spreading this thing. I don’t want the virus, but I have to get these antibodies somehow!”
They suggest to Larry that he dates someone who already has the antibodies so he doesn’t have to fear catching the virus. Larry wonders, “Can I catch the antibodies like an STD or something?” And while they agree the science of that probably doesn’t work out, Larry does decide he can see someone as long as she has the antibodies so he can feel safe.
The conversation then shifts to the Black Lives Matter protests and racial issues in the country. They all agree there are serious injustices happening, and Richard tells Larry he should use his vast fame and influence to put out a statement of some sort. Larry is puzzled by the suggestion. “A statement? What are you fucking nuts? Nobody is dying to know what a 73-year-old Jew thinks of racial inequality in America.” Besides, Larry insists that living with a black guy (Leon) is the ultimate “I have a black friend” card. The lunch ends and Larry walks back to his car a few blocks away.
CUT TO
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET
Larry is walking down the block with his mask on and notices an African American man walking towards him without a mask. Since it’s a narrow sidewalk, and Larry is afraid of catching the virus, he crosses the street to avoid the maskless man.
Guy on street: “Oh I see what you’re doing man. Real nice.”
Larry: “What? I’m just crossing the street.”
Guy on street: “No I get it. Because I’m black. You think I’m gonna mug you or something? White people love crossing the street when they see a black guy. You’re just another racist asshole.”
Larry: “What?!? No. It’s not because you’re black! It’s because you’re not wearing a mask! Six feet apart! I’m just social distancing!”
Guy on street: “Whatever you pig”
Larry continues to plead: “I’m a germaphobe, not a racist! I live with a black guy!”
The guy walks off in disgust as Larry continues to plead that it was just a simple misunderstanding.
CUT TO
INT. LARRY’S HOUSE
Larry arrives home after the incident and sees Leon as he walks through the door. Larry looks at him and sheepishly throws up a fist in the air.
Leon: “What the fuck is that, LD?”
Larry: “I don’t know. Like the black power fist? Just wanted to remind you that I’m an ally.”
Leon: “Never do that again, Larry. That shit made me uncomfortable.”
Larry explains the situation that just happened on the street. Leon says, “Don’t sweat it LD. I know you’re good people. But I think I’m trying to get in on this All Lives Matter bullshit anyway.” Larry is puzzled. Leon explains that while he agrees with the BLM protests and thinks the All Lives Matter crowd is mostly racist morons, he realized “That’s where the money is. A black guy saying black lives matter doesn’t move the needle anymore. A black guy saying All Lives Matter? I’ve been booked on four different talk shows this week.” Leon has become a prominent social media figure for his All Lives Matter takes. He’s become a hero amongst conservative Twitter. “I’m making bank off this shit, LD. Been getting tons of crazy white girl pussy too.” Larry shrugs it all off and goes on with his day.
Later that evening, Larry orders himself dinner off Seamless. Wanting some good karma, he decides he’s going to give the delivery guy a big cash tip, so he sets the tip amount on the website to 0%. The food arrives and the doorbell rings. Larry says “One second!” as he fumbles around looking for a $100 bill to give the driver. He finally gets to the door and sees the food left outside. The driver speeds away and yells “You cheap asshole!” Larry forgot that he had contactless delivery turned on due to COVID.
After guiltily eating his dinner, Larry has a Zoom call lined up for business. A network has reached out and they want him to help write a comedy cartoon. However, shortly before the call, his house loses power. He walks outside and sees there’s been a massive blackout throughout the entire neighborhood. His phone and laptop are about to die too, so he can’t charge them for the virtual meeting and misses it completely. The scene ends with Larry stuck in his dark house.
CUT TO
EXT. WALK IN MEDICAL CLINIC
Being neurotic that he’s finally left his house for the first time in months, Larry decides to go get a COVID test the next afternoon. He gets on the socially-distanced line that is forming outside the testing site.
He takes out his phone to call the people he was supposed to have the Zoom meeting with and explains the situation. As he begins to talk on the phone, a black woman gets behind him on line (played by Retta, Donna from Parks & Rec).
On the phone, Larry says, “There was a blackout in my town last night. It was terrifying. Nobody wants that. Such a lovely neighborhood too. The last thing you want to have is a blackout. And I mean what do you do when there’s a blackout anyway? Who do you even report that to? I don’t know if that’s something the police take care of—”
Larry is interrupted by the woman behind him.
“Wow you racist piece of shit. I cannot believe you would say those things. What the hell is wrong with you?!?” She then realizes that it’s Larry David. “Oh wow. Larry David. Yeah I noticed you never even put out a statement. You’re garbage.”
The woman walks away and Larry is absolutely befuddled. He is in stunned silence trying to figure out what just happened. He then realizes it.
The woman overheard Larry’s call and misunderstood what he was saying. She misinterpreted “There was a blackout in my town” as “There was a black out in my town.” She thought Larry was complaining that there was a black person out in his neighborhood and was scared so tried to call the police. (Re-read Larry’s call interpreted that way to understand the confusion).
Larry yells out, “What?!? No!!! Not a black out! A blackout! I mean… the power went out! That’s what I was talking about! I would never say that! I live with a black guy!”
The woman continues to walk off as Larry keeps yelling to explain himself.
CUT TO
INT. LARRY'S CAR
We fast forward one day. Larry has a meeting with the network to talk about the cartoon in person. They decide to do outdoor dining at a restaurant. He’s driving there when he gets a call from Richard Lewis. Richard says that he’s set up a double date for Larry with his girlfriend’s friend. “And the best part? She’s got the antibodies.” Larry is elated and agrees to it. Richard asks if he’d like him to send a picture of her and Larry says, “No I don’t care. As long as she’s got the antibodies and a vagina, that’s good enough!”
He gets a call waiting from Jeff so hangs up on Richard to take it. Jeff has terrible news. The woman from the incident yesterday wrote a piece on Medium titled “Larry David Is A Racist. My Story.” It has gone mega-viral. On top of that, other stories are beginning to flood in. One black man says that Larry David crossed the street when he approached him the other day. Another black guy says that Larry didn’t tip him at all after delivering his food the other night.
Larry is in a panic on the phone. “I can’t believe this is happening! These are three simple misunderstandings! The first guy didn’t have a mask on! That’s his fault! And then there was a power outage! And the delivery driver?!? I didn’t even know he was black! I had contactless delivery on! I was going to tip him $100!”
Before they can plan out what to do, Larry arrives at the restaurant just in time for his meeting.
EXT. LOS ANGELES RESTAURANT
Larry sits down with the three other men, one of whom is African American. Larry is nervous and unsure if they’ve seen the hit pieces about him, so he explains what’s happening. They say that they saw it all, but they believe Larry, especially since they were on the phone with him for the “blackout” incident and knew his true intentions. The lunch goes on as they talk business. Larry orders a burger that’s listed on the menu as “The Master Cheese Burger.” (This is the real name of a burger at Red Robin, for the record).
The food arrives at the table. The African American waiter is handing out the plates. He puts the burger down in front of Larry and says “Master” (referring to the name of the burger). Larry, forgetting the name of the burger he ordered, hears this and nervously panics. After all the racial misunderstandings he’s been going through, he’s on high alert to avoid any further incidents. “Master??? What? Don’t call me that. Sir is fine. Or not even sir. Just Larry! Or don’t even call me anything. Whatever you want!”
The waiter and the table look at Larry in stunned silence.
Waiter: “Sir, you ordered The Master Cheese Burger.”
More silence.
Larry glances down at his burger: “Ah.”
Everyone shakes their heads. They have an awkward rest of their meeting.
CUT TO
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET
Larry decides to go for a long walk to clear his head. He can’t believe everything that has happened. As he’s walking, he notices the back of a large protest march a block away. After everything that’s gone on, he decides it would be good to join a BLM protest and show that he’s not this racist monster he’s been made out to be. Larry runs to catch up with the protest and joins the backend of it.
As he’s marching, he begins to look around in confusion. It’s all white people. A lot of them are not wearing masks. There are tons of American flags. He begins to read the signs “Fauci Is Corrupt.” “Fear Is The Real Virus.” “Let Us Work. Let Us Live.” “Masks Don’t Work.” “Give Me Liberty Or Give Me COVID-19.”
Larry has accidentally joined a Reopen America/Anti-Lockdown protest. People begin yelling at him, “Take your mask off!” He looks to the sidewalks and sees reporters taking pictures of him in the protest and shaking their heads in disappointment. Larry quickly leaves the protest. Instead of even trying to explain himself this time, he just runs away.
CUT TO
INT. LARRY’S HOUSE
After all these incidents, Larry decided he should release a statement. He’s on the phone with his publicist as they workshop one. He eventually released one where he condemned racism in America, explained the misunderstandings that happened, and fully supported the Black Lives Matter movement. He wanted to add “I live with a black guy” but his publicist decided that wasn’t the way to go. He also made some large donations. Some people forgive him and laugh off the misunderstandings. Some people still think he’s a racist.
CUT TO
EXT. LOS ANGELES RESTAURANT
It’s a few days later, and things have calmed down for Larry. It’s time for his double date. They go to the same restaurant Larry went to for his meeting. He meets up with Richard Lewis, Richard’s girlfriend, and Larry’s date for outdoor dining. Upon arriving, Larry sees that his antibody-carrying blind date is black.
The date goes well. His date (Amber) laughs off all the incidents Larry found himself in. She’s a huge Seinfeld fan and knows Larry is a good person, so she just chalked it up to typical Larry David shenanigans. One incident that hadn’t gone public was “The Master Burger.” When looking at the menu, Amber sees it.
Amber: “Master burger? I don’t like the racial undertones of that. That should probably be changed.”
Larry throws his hands up in the air: “I completely agree!”
The date ends and Larry asks Amber if she’d like to go back to his house. She agrees.
CUT TO
INT. LARRY’S HOUSE
Larry and Amber are making out on the couch in his living room. Things are going swimmingly. Larry is getting excited that his dry spell is finally about to end. Larry goes to the bathroom to prepare himself and tells Amber he’ll meet her upstairs in his room.
As Larry is in the bathroom, Amber looks around his living room before heading upstairs. She notices a ton of All Lives Matter merchandise (from Leon, which she doesn’t know). There’s shirts, hats, and signs. She even stumbles across Larry’s “Make America Great Again” hat that he used in Season 10 to keep people away from him.
Larry walks out of the bathroom and sees an angered Amber.
Amber: “So I guess all those horrific stories about you were true, huh?”
Larry: “What?”
Amber: “Larry All Lives Matter David! All you celebrities try to be so woke with your Black Lives Matter statements, but this is the real you, huh? You really are the racist monster people say you are!”
She begins to storm out. Larry looks around and notices Leon’s All Lives Matter stuff and realizes what’s happened. He chases after her.
Larry: “No you don’t understand! That’s not my stuff! Well the hat is mine, but that was just to keep people away from me. But the All Lives Matter Stuff is my roommate Leon’s! And he’s black!”
Amber isn’t buying it and walks out the door.
Amber: “I bet you only went out with me because I’m black, right? Let people see you out with a black girl to cover up how racist you are?”
Larry: “What?!? No I’m not dating you because you’re black! I actually didn’t even know you were black! To be honest, I’m really only dating you because you have the antibodies!”
This does not make things any better.
Amber: “Oh, you want some antibodies? Here are your antibodies!”
Amber spits in his face.
Larry mutters under his breath: “Well, they don’t spread like that.”
Amber speeds away in her car. Larry looks defeated as saliva drips off his face.
Cue the music.